"Die Matratzen" by Tobias Spichtig

Then the truth of the night overwhelmed me and I had to change position. The seat was warm from all my genitals, it was time to get out of it. I made my way to the bathroom, the only place you were allowed to pull down your pants, but I was ready to be thrown out of orbit like a bad comet and do it somewhere else too. At night anything is possible. At night, you don't know what is around the next corner, and you know just as little during the day. But at night intuitions link up with those of the others before you face them.

–Theresa Patzschke

A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR

–Karl Holmqvist

A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WATCH WHERE YER GOING!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR LIGHTS
ON?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-JUST WATCH ME…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU GOT THE TIME?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT YER LOOKING AT?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU NEVER SAW A TALKING DOG
BEFORE?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU NEVER SAW A DOG TALKING…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT YOU'RE WAITING FOR?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU NEED A DOG?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DOG IS EVOL…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DOG DOG DOG.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-FOLLOW THAT CAR.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
TAKE ME TOO THE LOO…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THE BIG ASHTRAY.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MIXED RACE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MEET MY WIFE.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-GIVE ME A BONE.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DO YOU HAVE A PAY PHONE?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WE NEED TO TALK.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SMALL WORLD ISN'T IT?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-FOUR WHEEL DRIVE?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-TIME FOR A RIDE!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-TIME FLIES!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MINUTES TICK BY…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE SITTING
IN A CAR…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-I'D BE A FLY ON YOUR WALL…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-I'D RATHER BE A FLY ON YOUR
WALL THAN SITTING IN THIS SHITTY
CAR…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THE BIG TOILET!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-OPEN AIR…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-STICK STICK STICK.
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE DACHSHOUNDS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE LABRADORS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE COLLIES…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE CHIHUAHUAS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE FRENCH BULLDOGS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE MUTTS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE SAUSAGE DOGS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE GERMAN SHEPHERDS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE NEWFOUNDLANDS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE GREYHOUNDS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE POODLES…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE COCKERSPANIELS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE PITBULLS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE ROTWEILERS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE DOBERMANNS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE PEKINEESERS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE GOLDEN RETRIEVERS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE TERRIERS…
-OH, SO SORRY SIR, WE DON’T
SERVE CORGIS…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CHEEKY!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CHEWY SEAT CHEWY.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-LOOK AT THAT DOG…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW COME OTHER DOGS ALWAYS
KNOW YOU'RE A DOG EVEN THOUGH
WE ALL LOOK SO DIFFERENT?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW COME COOKIES ARE CALLED
COOKIES AND BACON IS CALLED BACON!!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
EVEN THOUGH WE COOK BACON
AND BAKE COOKIES…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT'S FOR DINNER, BREAKFAST
AND LUNCH?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SNACK TIME!!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-A DOG, A BIRD AND A CHICKEN.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-PLEASE THE OBESE!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SIT!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HORSE MEAT!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CHICKEN SHIT?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THE INCOME GAP…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MUSLIMS…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-A DOG, A BIRD AND A CHICKEN...
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-A DONKEY AND A CLOWN…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THAT LITTLE OLD LADY…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW DO YOU SAY 'OTHER PEOPLE'?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERRE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CAN I HAVE THE PASSENGER SEAT?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THIS SEEMS TO GO NOWHERE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-BABY ON BOARD…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW ABOUT A HUG?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MAN'S BEST FRIEND FOREVER!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-FOREVEREVER AND DON’T YOU FORGET!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WONDER WHY I DON'T SING ALONG?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THERE GOES THE BONE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOT ASS…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN TIGHTS…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU SHOULD…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HONK IF YOU'RE HAPPY LIKE THAT!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-ON THE COUNT OF FOUR.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CAN COUNT THAT ON ONE PAW.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-GUESS WHAT I SAW.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CHICKEN AGAIN?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DUCK'S LIVER!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR HEAD
OFF?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-LIGHTS ON!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DRINK'S ON ME!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DRINKS ON THE HOUSE!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-CAN WE GO HOME NOW?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-REMEMBER THAT GUY?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SITUATIONNISM!!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DILEMMA?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-EMMA WATSON?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HARRY POTTER!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-REMEMBER LAST NITE?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YOU SAID ONCE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-FUNNY YOU MENTION IT…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MENSCH…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SIT, SIT AND SIT…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-NO PUSSYFOOTING…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THESE PAWS WERE MADE FOR
JUMPING AROUND…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THESE PAWS YOU SEE…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO WITH ALL THE
BLACK PLASTIC BAGS WITH DOG-POO
IN THEM?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO!!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN
UP TO?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SINK OR SWIM?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-DOGGIE HEAVEN.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-GET A MOVE ON.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-IT'S ABOUT TIME…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-VOFF VOFF.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-NUFF SAID.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-INSTAGRAM MY LIFE.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-IS THAT A PHONE OR A CAMERA!?
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-THAT'S ME IN THE CAR-NER.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-YEPP.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MEN AND WOMEN.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-UNCLE CRACKER.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-A MAN FROM UNCLE.
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-STEP ON IT!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-MEALS ON WHEELS…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-FOR YOUR FURRY, FURRY FRIEND…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-HELLO SAILOR!!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-JUST LAY YOUR HEAD DOWN…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-ANYTIME OF DAY…
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-SAID IT LIKE I MEAN IT!!
A DOG WALKED INTO A CAR AND
SAID;
-I MEAN REALLY!!